This is a fictional tale. I have written the following story in jest, with exaggeration and complete balderdash included, because I have been truly inspired by the activities of a few real people.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to the names, character, or history of a real person is purely coincidental.
His name is Walter Parker. He slouches at 5 feet no inches tall and has a thin grey head of hair that he sometimes lets grow in the back. It will fall to the bottom of his neck in a shabby burnt sort-of-way, but before it hits his shoulders it will curl back up towards the sky looking for relief from the greasy collar of his favorite jacket. All of his clothes are hand-me-downs. His orange shirt with the sleeves missing was the only shirt he wore for most of May last year. His Army jacket that hangs nearly to his knees off of his skinny-bone shoulders was lying in the woods in a sopping mess of leaves and deer shit. He doesn’t own a washer or dryer so he brings his laundry to the shop where he works and does his laundry there on Saturdays when nobody is around. The deer shit came out in two loads.
His biggest problem is his health. Walter has problems eating and digesting food. Eating is tough because he doesn’t own many teeth. Digestion is hard because he can’t afford healthcare to diagnose his frail little body. He can’t afford healthcare because he only works at the shop about 20 hours a week (including the time it takes to do his laundry), and he only works that small amount of time each pay-period because he doesn’t want the rent to increase on his section 8 housing.
There are good things about Walt that nobody knows. Everyone has heard about his big fat wife leaving the company Christmas party with all of the leftovers stacked as high as her triple chin, but Walt finds peace in knowing that he can support such excessive voluptuousness. He also brings a smile to the faces of his belittling co-workers when he leaves a note explaining his absence. Though the smiles are at his expense, he is still making people smile.
The only bad thing about Walter Parker is his lack of knowledge about how the world works. Like most ignorant peasants, he believes that he is always right. He considers his own opinion about anything relevant to be the only opinion that matters. This makes him hard to work with because of his lack of cooperation. He doesn’t understand the way that work ethic leads to success and that life is a huge learning process. The majority of the time he is lazy. Considering the fact that he only shows up to work for enough time each week so that his monthly salary doesn’t exceed the section 8 housing limits for gross annual income, and considering the fact that he walks slower than a drunk sloth and works slower than a blues guitarist on codeine, he is actually a pretty great guy.
shawndiggins 